


The Man With One Hand

by ambiguously



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Gen, May the 4th Treat, Pygmalion, oblivious narrator, salty droids
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-04
Updated: 2017-05-04
Packaged: 2018-10-25 23:07:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10774395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ambiguously/pseuds/ambiguously
Summary: Threepio makes a friend.





	The Man With One Hand

**Author's Note:**

  * For [urami](https://archiveofourown.org/users/urami/gifts).



> Content notes at the end.

Artoo wheeled into the Command Center, where Threepio was in the middle of educating Lieutenant Jans about the glottal stop variations between Shryriiwook and Lasat. His counterpart bumped Threepio in the legs in an undignified manner.

"Artoo, I am busy," Threepio scolded him. The moment of distraction was sufficient for the Lieutenant to be called away on another matter, although Threepio hadn't heard anyone send for her. "What did you want?"

Artoo whistled that the new droid had finished the reprogramming cycle. He beeped with muted excitement. The Rebellion had many droids in service, some eager to help, others less so. Threepio maintained a list of fellow droids which he believed would be best utilized by a complete personality wipe and reboot, much as had just occurred with the captured KX model Captain Andor had brought in. With the new programming, Threepio was certain their new colleague would be a great asset to their duties.

"Of course we will go introduce ourselves." He made his way towards the electronics lab. Threepio was ordered here frequently. Senator Organa preferred to keep his memory in tip top condition, and asked Threepio to be tuned up before and after every assignment. Not like some other droids he could name.

One of those other droids wheeled himself out of the lab as he and Artoo approached. Suspicion was not in a droid's nature. Nevertheless, Threepio paused and asked, "What are you doing here?" C1-10P rarely went to the main electronics lab as all his maintenance was performed by his master. Threepio had helpfully given her several manuals describing how to reboot droid personality programs but her other duties had prevented her from having time to read them yet.

The orange astromech emitted a string of sounds at the pair and kept rolling.

"How rude!" Annoyed, Threepio continued into the lab. The new droid stood, his body still connected to the diagnostics grid. "Greetings," Threepio said to him. "I am C-3PO, human-cyborg relations. This is my counterpart, R2-D2. We are very pleased to make your acquaintance. I am sure we will all...."

The Imperial droid's eyes flashed. "Are you going to keep talking long?"

Threepio's vocal synthesizer shut off with a snap. Artoo beeped. Threepio tilted his head down and tapped Artoo's dome in annoyance. "I do not 'go on forever,' Artoo. Don't tell him that." He turned to the KX droid again. "What is your designation?"

"K-2SO. I kill people."

Threepio took a step back. He reached for a safe topic, hoping for once that as a droid, he was not considered 'people'. The definition varied from speaker to speaker. "Ah, a skill set Captain Andor is very familiar with, I believe."

The technician came back into the lab, hesitating as she saw the new droids. She went to the control panel, read the display, and sighed. "K-2SO, please report to Captain Andor. Tell him I did the best I could."

"I am sure you did." K-2 removed the probes attached to his large frame. As he stepped forward, he towered over Threepio, who had to bend his body to look up at the new droid.

"I can show you where Captain Andor's quarters are." Threepio turned, ready to help but Captain Andor was already entering the lab.

"Ah, Captain Andor! May I introduce you to...."

K-2 made distressingly quick strides towards the captain. For several microseconds, Threepio's statistical program whirred and beeped, concluding there was a 63% chance the reprogramming hadn't taken and the Imperial droid was about to go on a rampage, killing Captain Andor.

The huge droid stopped in front of his new master. "Hello, Cassian. I am K-2SO. I belong to you now."

The captain's face cracked into a smile. "Glad to meet you, K-2." He glanced back at the other two droids. "Mardi, Organa said you needed to wipe that golden one again. He's got a job for him."

"Oh dear," said Threepio, as the technician reset the diagnostics grid and waved him over.

* * *

Threepio's circuits always felt refreshed after he performed a task for Senator Organa. He made his way from the electronics lab in search of Artoo when he encountered the former Imperial droid working on a U-wing. Threepio's memory banks informed him they'd met previously.

"Hello, K-2SO," Threepio said in his greeting tone. "Have you seen my counterpart recently?"

"Yes." K-2 kept working.

Threepio waited patiently until his processors told him there would be no further answer. "Where did he go?"

"I don't know."

Ah. perhaps the logic circuits in the new droid were faulty. Threepio himself took note on the trajectories of everyone around him, calculating their probable destinations as they moved swiftly away from him. "In which direction did you see him go?"

"He didn't move. I left."

"Where were you when you saw him?" Threepio could be very patient.

"R2-D2 was in the Command center with you."

A dim memory slotted into place. Threepio and Artoo had been in the Command center the prior day, and the hulking droid had been with them. "Yesterday?"

"Yes."

"You said you saw him recently."

"Yesterday was recent." At no point did the droid pause in his work. Threepio marked him down as having an excellent work ethic, but lacking in social graces.

With no response to that, Threepio headed off, still in search of Artoo. After that, he would give Captain Andor a manual on how to reprogram his droid.

* * *

Captain Andor was unnecessarily rude about the manual.

* * *

Threepio decided that it was his responsibility to teach K-2SO how to behave appropriately. Protocol was not only the province of designated droids, but for everyone. The Rebellion attracted ruffians, scoundrels, and assassins as well as aristocrats and dignitaries. There was no reason a self-respecting droid could not mingle with both for the benefit of all.

"Ah, there you are, K-2SO!" Threepio said, finding him as he disembarked from Captain Andor's ship. "I have decided it is my responsibility to train you in the fine art of protocol. For our first lesson...."

Before he could continue, Captain Andor pushed past him. "K-2, go get cleaned up. I'll be in the 'fresher. When I'm finished, meet me back here."

Threepio's optical processors re-evaluated the other droid, focusing in on the caked mess covering his hands. Spectral data indicated iron and carbon content equivalent to dried human blood in a pattern consistent with closed fists used as a blunt instrument. The quantity of blood was insufficient to determine if loss of life had occurred, or merely severe trauma.

Threepio tutted to himself as he followed K-2SO to the electronics lab. "The first lesson in proper etiquette is to maintain your chassis in clean, functional form. I perform a full lubrication and polish on myself every day."

"That is obvious." K-2 strode to the lubrication station, stepping in to the light spray.

Threepio's circuits moved into satisfaction mode. How pleasant it was for his efforts to be noticed! "Your master and everyone else will always be more at ease with a clean droid in good repair." He watched patiently as K-2 rinsed himself of the disagreeable mess then stepped out to wipe off his surfaces. He gleamed with oily precision.

Threepio followed him from the lab back towards his ship. "Our second lesson is your posture. Your stature is an asset. Stand straight and tall, demonstrating you are giving your full attention to the person in front of you." K-2 reached the ship, his tall frame bending over the hull. "Now, now. Presentation is important! Stand straight up."

K-2 turned his head to Threepio. Then he stood, engaging all his servos to extend himself to his full height. A few Alliance soldiers were passing by. Their eyes widened with great pride at his display, hurrying off in an obvious rush to tell others how good Threepio's new student looked.

"Excellent. Now we will work on your diction. Repeat after me using your vocal synthesizer at level four, Core dialect: 'The man with one hand is banned from Alderaan.'"

He heard running footsteps and turned to see Captain Andor rushing in, hair still wet from the refresher and a blaster in one hand. "K-2, are you all right?" he asked with a tight voice.

K-2 turned to his master. "I am fine, Cassian. I am working on my posture and diction. The man with one hand is banned from Alderaan."

Threepio said, "Very good work, K-2!"

Captain Andor lowered his blaster. "You're trying to be a protocol droid?"

"No, I am trying to work on the ship. I believe this protocol droid has a faulty processor. I calculate there is a 3% chance it will go berserk and kill everyone. I am keeping its attention on me to distract it away from the humans."

Threepio took a step back as the blaster came up again. Captain Andor said, "You're Organa's protocol droid."

"Yes, Captain Andor. I am C-3PO, human-cyborg relations. We have met on several occasions. I am currently assigned to Captain Antilles."

"Right." He touched his commlink. "Andor to Antilles. Your boss's droid is malfunctioning. No, the gold protocol droid. Yes. Andor out." He gestured with his blaster. "Captain Antilles wants you to report to the electronics lab."

"Of course," said Threepio. He turned briefly to K-2SO. "Your third lesson is obedience. You perform your duties as your master or your master's representative orders, with no questions asked."

K-2 had already turned back to the ship.

* * *

The base was abuzz with rumors. Threepio had been ordered to ready accommodations for the visiting high-level members of the Alliance Council. How was he to know the military leaders being turned out of their own quarters hadn't been informed of the change? That had been a terrible thing to call him, even if the Commander had been undressed when Threepio came in to change the bedding on the bunk.

His task complete, he went searching for Artoo, who always seemed to be in the thick of things. Instead, he found K-2SO emerging from the debriefing room.

Threepio hesitated. His former student had regrettably not taken any of his lessons to his electronic heart. His manner remained rude. His stature remained slouched. His chassis was often dull. It was a wonder Captain Andor kept him, and hadn't insisted on an update. This led Threepio down an unfamiliar subroutine, where he compared the elegant humans he encountered while performing his formal duties for Senator Organa's family to the rough and tumble rebels he was surrounded with on this green moon. Were Captain Andor a droid, he would be like K-2SO: a bit dented, inappropriate for polite company, and equally happy to use force or guile to achieve victory. They were well-suited for each other.

Threepio considered all this within the space of a few nanoseconds.

"Was your mission successful?" Threepio asked, a safer topic than an inquiry about the mission itself.

"Galen Erso is dead. Saw Gerrera is dead. Bodhi Rook was extracted. Sixty-six point seven percent success rate."

Threepio only knew one of those names. "Do you know your next mission?"

K-2's eyes glowed. "Yes." He said nothing else.

Threepio initiated a different query. "I am looking for my counterpart. Where is the last location and time you saw R2-D2?"

"Fourteen minutes ago in the electronics lab."

"Thank you," he said, demonstrating politeness in the fading hope this ex-Imperial droid would learn by example.

"You're welcome." The words were spoken in a perfect Core dialect, synthesizer set at level four. Pride warmed Threepio's circuits as he walked away. His efforts had not been in vain. Perhaps with renewed vigor, K-2SO could yet learn to be a proper droid.

Threepio set a reminder for himself. He would try again as soon as K-2's current mission was complete.

**Author's Note:**

> Contains multiple references to memory wipes played for humor, and a downer ending.


End file.
